Is becoming a parent putting a strain on our marriages? February 8, 2009
Posted by Megan in Balance: Time/Stress/Depression, Birth, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures.add a comment
In many new families there seems to be a constant ‘fight’ for ‘the right’.
The right to feel equal
The right to feel rested
The right to have acknowledgement of work done in childcare
And a fight for some time to just be the person you were before a baby came into your life.
This fight will cause stress between the parents which children and infants can pick up on, causing them to feel insecure producing a clinging child or a rejecting of the parent/caregiver. Both of which can then put even more pressure on the parenting couple.
The parent may often feel confusion (which may be so deep down they do not know/understand the source of it) of inner conflict, the biological inbuilt need to work and comfort their child to fill their needs which will in turn also (unknowing for many) fill the parents own biological need.
But the pull to feel success or importance comes from our history and the degradation of parenting. Being ’skilled’, ‘educated’, ‘having a job’ and that goal of ’success’ is often what people feel is their need rather than parenting….as we can see in the below quotes parenting historically has become unimportant.
These quotes have been taken from the book “Immaculate Deception II” by Suzanne Arms
“….In virtually all cultures dominated by institutionalized religion, women are still viewed as objects to be controlled, with their natural tendencies toward impulsivity, self-indulgence, and sinfulness. Christianity, combined with Western medicine and technology, has warped the concept of childbirth. Is it any wonder that as birth was pushed out of the home and into the hospital that it became synonymous with pain, suffering, and powerlessness? Now modern women want to escape from the experiences of labor, breastfeeding, and child care….”
“…Scholars continue to debate why the natural balance between male and female powers was disrupted. Few deny religion’s numerous positive contributions to human civilization; however, religions have also institutionalized sexism and disempowered women, leading them to mistrust both themselves and the natural processes of birth, life, and death that flow through their bodies. Wherever women are not in control of their own lives, the effects will be felt by their children. When women are pathologically afraid of birth, view breastfeeding as an unnecessary inconvenience, and think of caring for young children as a curse, they will naturally want to distance themselves from these biological processes.
Society teaches that motherhood means giving up essential and innate needs, yet really the mother-baby unit is a symbiotic one, where each fulfills certain needs of the other. Child abuse and neglect, whether perpetrated by men or women, results from the devaluing and splitting of the mother-baby dyad and from the attitude that considers children the possessions of parents and women the possessions of men….”
As modern mothers we do often feel that we have to give up so much of what we have worked for…some of us might of left jobs that rival our partners in money or status.
This is often where parents split into two different paths
- Some parents may go down the path of wanting to gain some of that status ‘back’ and these parents often see that to do this they need to take time from their children (they – the child – should become more independent is often the catch phrase)
“…Today, when the needs of babies come in conflict with the needs and desires of their parents, people say “babies are flexible,” and “babies learn best when they are in day care.” Babies are expected to yield, or at least meet their parents halfway. Our culture supports all of this by making it difficult for women and men to stay at home when their babies are young, and by making it virtually impossible for any parent-male or female-to bring a baby to the workplace. Who suffers from all of this? We do – so do our children and so does society….”
In a way its like the modern parent is escaping from their own children to regaining their ‘right’. This might take 6 months a year (or less) before a parenting couple can find their ‘acceptable levels’ of ‘right’. (Some parenting couples may not make this and separate).
In this time we may often find children affected by their parent decisions
- Possibly being moved onto bottle feeding because of perceived ‘Insufficient milk‘ which in many cases is because of little support, little understanding of baby’s needs, lack of education of what a body can do (see World Health Organization for optimal feeding recommendations), miss information from an era of bottle-feeding schedules (which is still spurred on today by marketing but is slowly now being dismissed as studies on these schedules are realized and show us it is unhealthy as well as mentally and developmentally damaging.)
- Possibly moved into daycare as some parents need to separate themselves from their child’s needs/demands. (we as humans are not suppose to parent alone and its hard work)
- Possibly moved into a strict schedule like what might have been used in the 1930’s or 40’s (which most books written today still follow) Some sort of ‘cry it out’ might be used to gain some separation from the child.
- Some parents going down another path though may still take the 6 months or year (or less) to find their feet. In these families we may see
- A learning that support of each other is very important especially in the ways of natural/normal birth, so as to start off well.
- An understanding that breastfeeding is the best mentally as well as developmentally for a child and to have partner support to keep breastfeeding.
- Realise that children will need their parents/caregivers, to form a secure attachment as well as education from the ages of 0-4 (and more)…so this means many years of continuous care…a change of jobs so to speak.
- For parents to become educated in the ways of health, body care and mind care of themselves as well as their growing children.
How do we find our ‘right’?
Sadly at this time 2000’s we do not have our “Professional Status” and recognition through out our society. So we will need to rely on each other, partner, family and friends to give us that Status.
Also through education on children’s needs and the history of birth/infants/children and health will we find a calming and understanding to why we may feel our pull towards certain desires.
Mostly it comes down to support from people we love and people who love us.
What affect does War and Violence have on our ability to parent? January 28, 2009
Posted by Megan in Beware the Baby Trainers, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Human Development/Mental Health.add a comment
In starting this post I know this area of thought is huge, well studied and well documented.
My own Mother has spent years in this area teaching many people about this subject from the police, victim support, mental health personal…the list goes on.
My own Father has also helped to pick up the pieces of other people’s lives who try to dull down what has happened to them with drugs and alcohol or their own expression of violence against others.
But for my own views in this post I want to look at War, and mostly the larger wars that have affected many people and their families. If we visit any of the War memorial museums we can see the hundreds of stories from both the people at the front but also thoughts left at home.
The peoples at the front who have seen unimaginable horrors who have had to move through their lives at the time, the best that they can would/will often involve blocking out emotions. With dulled emotions, with minds that have seen what they have seen, often these people have placed themselves out of their lives – to become distant and unfeeling – so that they can live.
The peoples at home are often forgotten and that they also had to have a part of this emotional blocking. Whole families were lost with the Mother, the Wife or the Sisters left wondering if their loved ones where ok…minds making pictures which might or might not be true.
Families living in environments which could have been in the middle of these Wars. Houses gone, lives gone…everything. The stress the hunger and the confusion of what will happen next as well as the confusion of weather their loved ones would come home.
Most of us do not have to deal with this kind of War today though we do still have Wars and we do still have problems with our emotions. Often when people come home from War they are unable to switch on their emotions or what they have seen is so bad that nothing else they see or hear can equate to what they have been through.
What seems to happen many times is that families do not know how to be families they just go through the motions of survival with a dullness of caring or an unsureness of what to do when something really does happen.
How does this affect us today? Why do I want to talk about this horrible time in many of our families lives which we have been trying to leave in the past?
It is true the time for many of these Wars have past and the time that it is affecting us has gone….right?
For many of us it might have been our Grandparents who were in the War – for some – as now days we are more generations removed it might have been our Great Grandparent. But there are also Wars today as well
How does that affect us now?
Most of us listen to our Parents and often our Grandparents advice especially when it comes to an unknown subject or new venture like raising children.
As I often do in this blog is link back to the emotional health, style and methods we use to raise our children, treat our children…or train our children to sleep.
Much of the information we are using today in the forms of “Baby manuals” comes from a time where emotions were not ‘in use’ so to say. The books that a written today can and often will be written by people who have been raised by parents from the war times.
People living through the war had to block their hearts off to any feelings which often meant their own children’s suffering. Possibly not suffering as in physical injury but emotional injury….they in turn past this on to our parents (for some their grandparents) who in turn past it on…..
The idea of “It didn’t kill me” is termed and the idea of emotional harm is puzzling to many…as they themselves have actually suffered from emotional harm.
Today we do not live in that type of life.
Today we know what emotional harm can do to a person.
Today we can move on and learn a new way of treating the people we love with love…it’s ok to show that we care and it is ok to give a child (or anyone we are close to) who is in need to give them their need, so as to grow up and move on emotionally strong. We do not need to switch off our caring heart as our child goes to sleep and if they cry for us we have moved on enough in time and education to know that going holding and comforting that child, it will be better than leaving that child to its own demons.
Do parents sometimes suffer from “The English Disease” January 26, 2009
Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures.add a comment
Tony Hawks the writer of “Round Ireland with a Fridge” has put in words what often makes parents stumble over without thinking.
“…But I was suffering from the English disease of not wanting to make a scene. Like people most English people I fall into the category of those who will suffer a third-rate meal at a restaurant with sloppy service, and then, when faced with the waiter’s question ‘Is everything okay, sir?’ will simply say ‘Yes, fine thanks’. Better that way than making a scene. The last thing you want to do is make a scene….”
I’m not sure if it’s just the English that suffer from this disease or that many of us have English backgrounds and upbringings which infect us with this way of thinking.
This English Disease is tied up with emotions often embarrassment and feelings often expressing a dislike for something. These are not nice qualities which people like to hear or feel let alone share with others….But they are an important part of life and as parents who are guiding our children towards a healthy lifestyle we need to get over our ‘English Diseases’.
This problem we have with the ‘disease’ is all about communication (or lack of it if we are not doing it) learning and teaching our children how to communicate well. As parents we need to be able to listen to the complaints or the issues that our children have and be the mature adult and help sort them out…not ignore them or shy away from ‘making a scene’.
We don’t want our children to ‘Suck it in’ or ‘put on a brave face’ (though there are some times we do need that brave face) but it is not to teach them that emotions are unimportant, as bottling these up we know can cause long term illness or mental problems.
We also do not want our children to give up. Creating a scene is often the way of getting better service. We as parents may need to look at ourselves when our children are having a tantrum and need to think…”what kind of ’service’ am I giving my child”? Do they have respect? Do they have quality parent child time? Do we as parents listen to what our child says…the first time round…rather than when they are on the floor screaming at us?
This is a lifelong skill that children need to learn how to express to get the best out of life. Like Barrack Obama who is skilled at using words, … which in my interpretation is often telling the people of his country along the lines of ‘it’s time to pull up your socks…to stop behaving like a child…and clean your country up’ but said in such a way that inspires people and makes them feel proud and want to do a good job.
This skill is learnt in the home and is not about hurting people’s feelings but telling them what you want and what you expect.
I have personal two examples
1 . “Nanma that’s my job” Ara tells my Mother as Mum is unloading the dishwasher…”That’s my job”….”LEAVE IT ALONE”….”STOP it’s my JOB” tears now as I finally make it down to the kitchen to ask my mother to listen. Mum was in her own world and just wanted to get the job done not thinking that Ara might be able to do the job…but even if she can’t at least letting her give it a go.
2. After a long holiday with few children around and Ara finally finds some children to play with at the beach…after a while we have to leave. This was a full on tantrum which I probably didn’t handle all that well… I’ll put in the excuses of heat, pregnant, carrying a full bag with beach blow up toys and a screaming toddler on my own.
I can see that I should of spent more time sitting with her to get through this tantrum rather than suffering from the ‘disease’ and just putting her in the car and driving home.
BUT also thinking of Ara over these really long holidays and how lonely she is and how many changes she has had to go through (not seeing her friends, having a pregnant Mumma and little contact with Dadda) and how much of a release she needs with other people.
As I often do I will link this back to trends of sleep training. A child ‘crying out’ is being ignored…we are teaching them not to make a scene…we are teaching them to block their emotions, we are teaching them not to communicate with others well using the right words, we are teaching them not to ask for the best, and we are teaching them not to ask for help.
We are passing on the English Disease.
Jamie Oliver and understanding reluctance to change October 27, 2008
Posted by Megan in History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Marketing: Formula/Baby Apparel.add a comment
We have just watching an episode of Jamie Oliver’s Ministry of Food. He’s trying to educate people in how to cook. Its very noble and I think he’s wonderful but it does not seem to be working and I’m sad for him cause I know he’s trying to make a change…and a good one at that.
The people he is trying to educate…people who live off of take-a-ways, prepackaged meals and opening a packet of chips…do not seem to understand the reasons why they should change their eating habits and learn how to cook.
Poor Jamie seems to be talking until he’s blue in the face about the health reasons, the social reasons and even the growth and developmental reasons…and his class of student are lapping it all up and agree….BUT!!! It does not seem to be a lasting interest or lasting change.
For someone who has eaten and done something in one way for such a long time – life…how can it be wrong? People can not ’see’ (often because the lack of looking) the issues that they do have with eating bad food. Many of us especially the people who have been chosen for this show have become very accepting. We do not question what is in our food any more…our choices have been taken away on how much we consume of certain parts of food like fat and salt because its already in there…our choices on what is actually in our food – the hidden wheat, soy, milk products, MSG and other countless additives which we don’t even know about.
Why do we not want to change?
The lack of knowing?
The lack of motivation?
The lack of self care…depressed?
It is very hard to change a habit especially with food…we have loves, we have excuses of the time that it takes the money that it costs. We have the fear of the unknown and the fear of being different from our friends and social community. There is also the fear of knowledge of knowing too much and of learning (yes it might sound strange to some but its there). We have a fear of offending the people we love too as often its our parents who have instilled these eating ways and ideas and also our partners ideas might not be inline with our own.
But what would happen if we did all this…if we worked hard…because its really hard work. What if we found a way to make it happen.
To start off with we would be confused, frustrated and want to go back to what was easiest. We would question everything and find little holes in which to use as an excuses to back out.
WHO LOOSES?
Health is important. Your own health and the health of your family.
Why am I talking about food and Jamie….because this aspect of food just goes to show that our choices may seem like choices…McD’s or BK….but they are not really choices.
We seem to be happy to follow the ‘norm’…because the Doctor said that I should have another c-section because I’ve already had one…but you have to have a scan….because we all stop at 6 months and start on formula…because there is no other way to get them to sleep you just have to let them cry.
Informed decisions are important part of health!
I don’t think I ever left that really annoying phase behind from the toddler stage
ASK WHY!
As with answering a toddler there can be many different replies….the part that really hurts is often the pack of chips still gets pulled out as the best food cause its so quick and easy and the health and choice gets shelved.
Disciplinary measures of old…or still around? October 18, 2008
Posted by Megan in History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Human Development/Mental Health.add a comment
I’m still reading through Alice Millers book and I’ve got lots of points that I’m now looking back on. This I’ve taken from page 201
“…A patient’s father, who himself had had a very difficult childhood that he never talked about, often treated his son, in whom he kept seeing himself, in an extremely cruel way. Neither he nor his son was conscious of this cruelty; they both regarded it as a “disciplinary measure.” When the son, who had severe symptoms, began his analysis, he was, as he said, “very grateful” to his father for the strict upbringing and “severe punishment” he had received. While in analysis, my patient, who had at one point been studying education at the university, discovered Ekkehard von Braunmühl and his antipedagogical writings and was strongly impressed by them. During this period he went home for a visit and for the first time experienced with great clarity the way his father continually hurt his feelings, either by not listening at all to what he was saying or by ridiculing everything he said. When his son pointed this out to him, the father, who was a professor of education, said in all seriousness: “You ought to thank me for that. You’ll have to put up with people all your life who won’t pay any attention to you or won’t take what you say seriously. This way you’re already used to it, having learned it from me. What you learn when you’re young, you know for the rest of your life.” The twenty-four-year-old son was taken aback by this reply at first. How often he had heard his father make similar statements without ever questioning their validity! This time, however, he became indignant, and on the basis of something he had read in Braunmühl, he said: “If you intend to continue treating me according to these principles, to be consistent you would then actually have to kill me, for someday I will have to die too. That would be the best way you could prepare me for it.” His father accused him of being impertinent and acting as though he knew all the answers, but this was a very decisive experience for the son. From that point on, his studies took an entirely different direction…”
This really struck a cord for me as many parents use this as a ‘reason’ for;
cry it out – learning to fall asleep by them selves
or
not comforting when a child is hurt or asking for help – teaching them independence.
A part of our western parenting style history August 22, 2008
Posted by Megan in History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Human Development/Mental Health.add a comment
The following passage is an excerpt by J. Sulzer, written in 1748
As far as willfulness is concerned, this expresses itself as a natural recourse in tenderest childhood as soon as children are able to make their desire for something known by means of gestures. They see something they want but cannot have; they become angry, cry, and flail about. Or they are given something that does not please them; they fling it aside and begin to cry. These are dangerous faults that hinder their entire education and encourage undesirable qualities in children. If willfulness and wickedness are not driven out, it is impossible to give a child a good education. The moment these flaws appear in a child, it is high time to resist this evil so that it does not become ingrained through habit and the children do not become thoroughly depraved.
Therefore, I advise all those whose concern is the education of children to make it their main occupation to drive out willfulness and wickedness and to persist until they have reached their goal. As I have remarked above, it is impossible to reason with young children; thus, willfulness must be driven out in a methodical manner, and there is no other recourse for this purpose than to show children one is serious. If one gives in to their willfulness once, the second time it will be more pronounced and more difficult to drive out. Once children have learned that anger and tears will win them their own way, they will not fail to use the same methods again. They will finally become the masters of their parents and of their nursemaids and will have a bad, willful, and unbearable disposition with which they will trouble and torment their parents ever after as the well-earned reward for the “good” upbringing they were given. But if parents are fortunate enough to drive out willfulness from the very beginning by means of scolding and the rod, they will have obedient, docile, and good children whom they can later provide with a good education. If a good basis for education is to be established, then one must not cease toiling until one sees that all willfulness is gone, for there is absolutely no place for it. Let no one make the mistake of thinking he will be able to obtain any good results before he has eliminated these two major faults. He will toil in vain. This is where the foundation first must be laid.
These, then, are the two most important matters one must attend to in the child’s first year. When he is over a year old, and is beginning to understand and speak somewhat, one must concentrate on other things as well, yet always with the understanding that willfulness must be the main target of all our toils until it is completely abolished. It is always our main purpose to make children into righteous, virtuous persons, and parents should be ever mindful of this when they regard their children so that they will miss no opportunity to labor over them. They must also keep very fresh in their minds the outline or image of a mind disposed to virtue, as described above, so that they know what is to be undertaken. The first and foremost matter to be attended to is implanting in children a love of order; this is the first step we require in the way of virtue. In the first three years, however, this — like all things one undertakes with children — can come ‘about only in a quite mechanical way. Everything must follow the rules of orderliness. Food and drink, clothing, sleep, and indeed the child’s entire little household must be orderly and must never be altered in the least to accommodate their willfulness or whims so that they may learn in earliest childhood to submit strictly to the rules of orderliness. The order one insists upon has an indisputable influence on their minds, and if children become accustomed to orderliness at a very early age, they will suppose thereafter that this is completely natural because they no longer realize that it has been artfully instilled in them, If, out of indulgence, one alters the order of the child’s little household as often as his whim shall dictate, then he will come to think that orderliness is not of great importance but must always yield to our whim. Such a false assumption would cause widespread damage to the moral life, as may easily be deduced from what I have said above about order. When children are of an age to be reasoned with, one must take every opportunity to present order to them as something sacred and inviolable. If they want to have something that offends against order, then one should say to them: my dear child, this is impossible; this offends against order, which must never be breached, and so on. . . .
The second major matter to which one must dedicate oneself beginning with the second and third year is a strict obedience to parents and superiors and a trusting acceptance of all they do. These qualities are not only absolutely necessary for the success of the child’s education, but they have a very strong influence on education in general, They are so essential because they impart to the mind orderliness per se and a spirit of submission to the laws, A child who is used to obeying his parents will also willingly submit to the laws and rules of reason once he is on his own and his own master, since he is already accustomed not to act in accordance with his own will. Obedience is so important that all education is actually nothing other than learning how to obey. It is a generally recognized principle that persons of high estate who are destined to rule whole nations must learn the art of governance by way of first learning obedience. Qui nescit obedire, nescit imperare: the reason for this is that obedience teaches a person to be zealous in observing the law, which is the first quality of a ruler. Thus, after one has driven out willfulness as a result of one’s first labors with children, the chief ‘goal of one’s further labors must be obedience. It is not very easy, however, to implant obedience in children. It is quite natural for the child’s soul to want to have a will of its own, and things that are not done correctly in the first two years will be difficult to rectify thereafter. One of the advantages of these early years is that then force and compulsion can be used. Over the years, children forget everything that happened to them in early childhood. If their wills can be broken at this time, they will never remember afterwards that they had a will, and for this very reason the severity that is required will not have any serious consequences.
Just as soon as children develop awareness, it is essential to demonstrate to them by word and deed that they must submit to the will of their parents. Obedience requires children to (I) willingly do as they are told, (2) willingly refrain from doing what is forbidden, and (3) accept the rules made for their sake. [J. Sulzer, Versuch von der Erziehung und Unterweisung der Kinder….for more
I am not sure if you see what I see but for me it became a great understanding of why our parents and grandparent act as they do.
The righteousness of parents as they “you need to have tight control so babies/children do not manipulation you with their demands…even crying out”
It seems that the fear of manipulation springs from this era and as research which dates back even from this time of writing of the above tells us that the ideas of this manipulation is wrong.
Many staunch parents miss out on the connection with their young children and the ways that humans develop. It has been shown in many studies that children treated with control or a “tight reign” actually suppress these desires, questions or needs which can later develop into mental illness and or violent behaviors or crimes against another person.
Sadly this information is still held as “normal” treatment for children today….and as a friend said a few months ago as a laugh but in a low sense “We’ll have to pay for our kids counseling in the future”.
Wrapping a baby to help with sleep August 7, 2008
Posted by Megan in History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures.add a comment
Some who have followed my blog may be wondering where is the wrapping – as in wrapping the baby’s arms and legs in a nice soft cuddly blanket.
To tell you the truth the judgment is still out on this one.
My first feeling with Ara on the second day of her life when a friend showed me how to wrap my baby up was to unwrap her and hold her close to me…I didn’t like it. But people kept on doing it assuring me that all babies liked to be bound up. So I kept on doing it.
I understand the idea behind the wrapping but I think that “we” (royal we) are taking it a bit too far. As I’ve said the jury is still out on this and it not until we get round to the “next bubba” (as Ara is now saying) that we will really be able to say for sure.
As Dave was saying the other day “Every child is different”.
I look back at myself when I was wrapping Ara to start with it was done with love and caring and yes she did seem to like it…BUT she did seem to like the sling more when Dave was able to take her (I was not very confident with the sling…yes me the Queen of my town in wraps/holds and slings).
I often think of how Keith Sawyer (page 16 for photo) likened wrapping to the strapping down of patients be it hospital or institute.
This leads me to …are we abusing this too long…sure for the first few months but then is it not just keeping your child in one place? Like at a first birthday party a small boy being bound up very tightly and put in his car seat and rocked (vigorously) while he cried out…very tired yes…and you get used to what you get used to.
I wrapped Ara until I had finished my stint with Tizzy Hall’s book. It was a tool that I used to try and get Ara to sleep. But to tell you the truth I think it was preventing her as she just spent all her time trying to bust out she was so angry and scared. Nothing like not being able to move and being alone.
To me the binding of babies is to free up a parent’s arms. This for me co-insides with the use of sleeping alone…bind the baby so it “feels” like it is safe while it sleeps alone.
The other thing for me is and this is also about car seats. How long can you stay in one place…just sitting for arguments sake and not lifting your weight off one side of your butt? Hey our car seats are pretty soft…not a child’s one. (Ara and I had a long drive home one day after a funeral I just wanted to get home and she started to cry…I just wanted to get home but in the end I had to stop and after 15mins of hugging she told me that her bottom hurt from sitting – I felt really bad – she’s 2 and can sort of talk).
So if you wrap a baby to help it sleep and it’s in the same position for a long time and probably not really a very comfortable one (something may be sticking it to it a fold of the blanket or whatever) it really might start to hurt. These little bubs’ are used to moving – yes in a tight space – but still moving.
So my question to myself is…Why bound tight? Why bind for so long? Am I doing this out of love or is it frustration? Is it really helping my child to sleep? Would it be better in a sling or in a hammock? Is binding a child for long amounts of time really all that good for the development of the brain and the body…how are the bones and body structure developing?
Question it and really listen to yourself…not someone else in the back of your mind telling you that “Babies like it”.
Feeling guilty in asking for HELP? June 30, 2008
Posted by Megan in History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Human Development/Mental Health.add a comment
I would like to say we have had a spate of stories in the news which tell us of children being neglected, abused and or even killed. But that would down play this problem to be occasional, odd, unusual or even shockingly unheard of when in fact it is happening everyday all day.
At some point in time the parents of these abused, neglected and killed would have asked for help.
Are you asking what do I mean by that?
Let me ask a question for you to keep in your mind as you read…Do you know how to ask for help? Do you know how to give help? Do you know when someone else needs help?
An answer to these questions could be – we learn it at home from our family and primary caregivers from our everyday interactions and “just living together” learning when someone needs help, learning when someone needs a hug, understanding tears, understanding frustration and learning how to fix this by being there and lending a hand (or a shoulder or some ears).
These “skills” need to be learned from a very early age and is not something that our western culture encourages as “we” are more focused on independence and not needing help.
Parents of today in our culture live in fear of “breaking the rules” of parenting and being ousted from our peers. Our “modern traditions” and ideals look down on many of the “tools” our ancestors used to cope with the years of bringing up small children.
Babywearing has been deemed as hippy, strange, clingy and is not what everyone else is doing. Breastfeeding is looked a pone as time consuming, draining, unfair a pone the father role and past about 6 months is a bit hippy and odd.
Bedding close to baby is again hippy and seen as “unsafe” despite being done since the dawn of time.
We live in small family units rather than clans as we are independent adults most of whom have grown up without seeing a baby being raised.
We as parents feel shame for not being able to stand on our feet alone when our children tire us out. We are desperate for help but are too afraid to ask as we have learnt in our upbringing that we need to be independent. Some of us possibly feel guilt of the idea that our parents never had help so why should we. Sadly some people of our parents and grandparent age group in our society also make it hard and in turn strengthen this guilt by telling us stories and denying us help when we do ask…I question are they not seeing?
We have parents today putting their children in daycare because they need their own head space to feel that they are achieving in the world…because no one will tell them that they are the most important person in their child’s life.
There are parents in many stages of burnout – depression, stress and anxiety because they are “doing their best” to raise their children….and in some of these cases the parents snap.
We have parents of today who may have asked for help when growing up and have been denied in the belief that this denial of help will create a strong adult who will be able to do any job by themselves.
There are parents who have they themselves been ignored, abused and frightened and missed their chances to develop empathy.
So here comes the old saying
It takes parents to raise a child
It takes a family to care for the parents
It takes a village to care for the family
SO what do we do?
How about helping…anything from holding the baby to cooking food to putting on a cupper to listening. There is so much we can do and we are all human.
I will leave you with Bob Dylan
How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, ‘n’ how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, ‘n’ how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they’re forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.
How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, ‘n’ how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, ‘n’ how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.
How many years can a mountain exist
Before it’s washed to the sea?
Yes, ‘n’ how many years can some people exist
Before they’re allowed to be free?
Yes, ‘n’ how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn’t see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.
I do not feel that a child is bad…it is created and some of them will grow up.
