Parenting Baby to Sleep

In many new families there seems to be a constant ‘fight’ for ‘the right’.

The right to feel equal

The right to feel rested

The right to have acknowledgement of work done in childcare

And a fight for some time to just be the person you were before a baby came into your life.

 

This fight will cause stress between the parents which children and infants can pick up on, causing them to feel insecure producing a clinging child or a rejecting of the parent/caregiver. Both of which can then put even more pressure on the parenting couple.

 

The parent may often feel confusion (which may be so deep down they do not know/understand the source of it) of inner conflict, the biological inbuilt need to work and comfort their child to fill their needs which will in turn also (unknowing for many) fill the parents own biological need.

But the pull to feel success or importance comes from our history and the degradation of parenting. Being ’skilled’, ‘educated’, ‘having a job’ and that goal of ’success’ is often what people feel  is their need rather than parenting….as we can see in the below quotes parenting historically has become unimportant.

 

These quotes have been taken from the book “Immaculate Deception II” by Suzanne Arms

“….In virtually all cultures dominated by institutionalized religion, women are still viewed as objects to be controlled, with their natural tendencies toward impulsivity, self-indulgence, and sinfulness. Christianity, combined with Western medicine and technology, has warped the concept of childbirth. Is it any wonder that as birth was pushed out of the home and into the hospital that it became synonymous with pain, suffering, and powerlessness? Now modern women want to escape from the experiences of labor, breastfeeding, and child care….”

 

“…Scholars continue to debate why the natural balance between male and female powers was disrupted. Few deny religion’s numerous positive contributions to human civilization; however, religions have also institutionalized sexism and disempowered women, leading them to mistrust both themselves and the natural processes of birth, life, and death that flow through their bodies. Wherever women are not in control of their own lives, the effects will be felt by their children. When women are pathologically afraid of birth, view breastfeeding as an unnecessary inconvenience, and think of caring for young children as a curse, they will naturally want to distance themselves from these biological processes.

 

Society teaches that motherhood means giving up essential and innate needs, yet really the mother-baby unit is a symbiotic one, where each fulfills certain needs of the other. Child abuse and neglect, whether perpetrated by men or women, results from the devaluing and splitting of the mother-baby dyad and from the attitude that considers children the possessions of parents and women the possessions of men….”

 

As modern mothers we do often feel that we have to give up so much of what we have worked for…some of us might of left jobs that rival our partners in money or status.

This is often where parents split into two different paths

 

1. Some parents may go down the path of wanting to gain some of that status ‘back’ and these parents often see that to do this they need to take time from their children (they – the child – should become more independent is often the catch phrase)

“…Today, when the needs of babies come in conflict with the needs and desires of their parents, people say “babies are flexible,” and “babies learn best when they are in day care.” Babies are expected to yield, or at least meet their parents halfway. Our culture supports all of this by making it difficult for women and men to stay at home when their babies are young, and by making it virtually impossible for any parent-male or female-to bring a baby to the workplace. Who suffers from all of this? We do – so do our children and so does society….”

In a way its like the modern parent is escaping from their own children to regaining their ‘right’. This might take 6 months a year (or less) before a parenting couple can find their ‘acceptable levels’ of ‘right’. (Some parenting couples may not make this and separate).

In this time we may often find children affected by their parent decisions

• Possibly being moved onto bottle feeding because of perceived ‘Insufficient milk‘ which in many cases is because of little support, little understanding of baby’s needs, lack of education of what a body can do (see World Health Organization for optimal feeding recommendations), miss information from an era of bottle-feeding schedules (which is still spurred on today by marketing but is slowly now being dismissed as studies on these schedules are realized and show us it is unhealthy as well as mentally and developmentally damaging.)
• Possibly moved into daycare as some parents need to separate themselves from their child’s needs/demands. (we as humans are not suppose to parent alone and its hard work)
• Possibly moved into a strict schedule like what might have been used in the 1930’s or 40’s (which most books written today still follow) Some sort of ‘cry it out’ might be used to gain some separation from the child.

 

1. Some parents going down another path though may still take the 6 months or year (or less) to find their feet. In these families we may see

• A learning that support of each other is very important especially in the ways of natural/normal birth, so as to start off well.
• An understanding that breastfeeding is the best mentally as well as developmentally for a child and to have partner support to keep breastfeeding.
• Realise that children will need their parents/caregivers, to form a secure attachment as well as education from the ages of 0-4 (and more)…so this means many years of continuous care…a change of jobs so to speak.
• For parents to become educated in the ways of health, body care and mind care of themselves as well as their growing children.

 

How do we find our ‘right’?

Sadly at this time 2000’s we do not have our “Professional Status” and recognition through out our society. So we will need to rely on each other, partner, family and friends to give us that Status.

Also through education on children’s needs and the history of birth/infants/children and health will we find a calming and understanding to why we may feel our pull towards certain desires.

 

Mostly it comes down to support from people we love and people who love us.