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SIDS and safe t sleep – cruelty out of love? March 7, 2009

Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, Marketing: Formula/Baby Apparel, Sleep issues: SIDS.
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 In writing this post I need you to visit the Safe T Sleep  web site to see the photos for readers who do not know what this product is.

Often in other posts I have liked the correlation that Keith Sawyer (page 16 of PDF for photo) likened wrapping to the strapping down of patients be it hospital or institute.

Both web sites really need to be seen for the photos before you can understand what my view points are. 

So the scoop is that SIDS NZ and Safe T Sleep® Partnership Announced

 

I have three issues with this ’scoop’

  1. SIDS NZ aligning themselves with marketing buying a product and the idea that something needs to be brought to keep children safe rather than parenting.
  2. If we follow SIDS guidelines from round the world and sleep with our babies with in arms reach i.e. a co-sleeper cot, the basinet…for goodness sake a banana box….the SIDS rates drop dramatically. Look at other co-sleeping countries like Sweden, Japan, Hong Kong.
  3. With this product I can see children being strapped down crying no matter what age…a tool to hold a child down.

 

My question is how often when it comes to our children do we do something out of love when in fact if we really look at the situation is quite cruel.

Yes this product might keep a child safe on its back and might ease a parents mind but what are we really allowing our selves by using this product to do to our children?

Young infants are often wrapped as we believe that they like the tight sensation. Often as parents who are frustrated with their children not keeping still, they will use this wrap as a way to keep their children in one place. I have written about wrapping before in this post wrapping baby to sleep

 

So is this Safe t sleep just another way to keep our children in place.

My personal thought is ‘wow even worse crying my self to sleep and not being able to move…new born to the ripe old age of 3′….3 years old now that is cruel. …what about toileting, what about needing to lay in a different position, what about bed sores….and I’m sure there are many other mental problems on top of the physical gained by using this ‘product’.

Do parents sometimes suffer from “The English Disease” January 26, 2009

Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures.
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Tony Hawks the writer of “Round Ireland with a Fridge” has put in words what often makes parents stumble over without thinking.

“…But I was suffering from the English disease of not wanting to make a scene. Like people most English people I fall into the category of those who will suffer a third-rate meal at a restaurant with sloppy service, and then, when faced with the waiter’s question   ‘Is everything okay, sir?’ will simply say ‘Yes, fine thanks’. Better that way than making a scene. The last thing you want to do is make a scene….”

I’m not sure if it’s just the English that suffer from this disease or that many of us have English backgrounds and upbringings which infect us with this way of thinking.

This English Disease is tied up with emotions often embarrassment and feelings often expressing a dislike for something. These are not nice qualities which people like to hear or feel let alone share with others….But they are an important part of life and as parents who are guiding our children towards a healthy lifestyle we need to get over our ‘English Diseases’.

This problem we have with the ‘disease’ is all about communication (or lack of it if we are not doing it) learning and teaching our children how to communicate well. As parents we need to be able to listen to the complaints or the issues that our children have and be the mature adult and help sort them out…not ignore them or shy away from ‘making a scene’.

We don’t want our children to ‘Suck it in’ or ‘put on a brave face’ (though there are some times we do need that brave face) but it is not to teach them that emotions are unimportant, as bottling these up we know can cause long term illness or mental problems.

We also do not want our children to give up. Creating a scene is often the way of getting better service. We as parents may need to look at ourselves when our children are having a tantrum and need to think…”what kind of ’service’ am I giving my child”? Do they have respect? Do they have quality parent child time? Do we as parents listen to what our child says…the first time round…rather than when they are on the floor screaming at us?

This is a lifelong skill that children need to learn how to express to get the best out of life. Like Barrack Obama who is skilled at using words, … which in my interpretation is often telling the people of his country along the lines of ‘it’s time to pull up your socks…to stop behaving like a child…and clean your country up’ but said in such a way that inspires people and makes them feel proud and want to do a good job.

This skill is learnt in the home and is not about hurting people’s feelings but telling them what you want and what you expect.

I have personal two examples

1 . “Nanma that’s my job” Ara tells my Mother as Mum is unloading the dishwasher…”That’s my job”….”LEAVE IT ALONE”….”STOP it’s my JOB” tears now as I finally make it down to the kitchen to ask my mother to listen. Mum was in her own world and just wanted to get the job done not thinking that Ara might be able to do the job…but even if she can’t at least letting her give it a go.

2.  After a long holiday with few children around and Ara finally finds some children to play with at the beach…after a while we have to leave. This was a full on tantrum which I probably didn’t handle all that well… I’ll put in the excuses of heat, pregnant, carrying a full bag with beach blow up toys and a screaming toddler on my own.

I can see that I should of spent more time sitting with her to get through this tantrum rather than suffering from the ‘disease’ and just putting her in the car and driving home.

BUT also thinking of Ara over these really long holidays and how lonely she is and how many changes she has had to go through (not seeing her friends, having a pregnant Mumma and little contact with Dadda) and how much of a release she needs with other people.

As I often do I will link this back to trends of sleep training. A child ‘crying out’ is being ignored…we are teaching them not to make a scene…we are teaching them to block their emotions, we are teaching them not to communicate with others well using the right words, we are teaching them not to ask for the best, and we are teaching them not to ask for help.

We are passing on the English Disease.

Controlled Parenting…oh um Crying September 16, 2008

Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, Human Development/Mental Health.
3 comments

 “…Why did these ideas of controlled parenting develop? One imagines mainly to increase the hours of sleep parents wanted or felt they needed. Ask any group of women who are well into the third trimester, ‘How many of you slept through the night last night?’ and you will find that nine out of ten have needed to get up at least once during the night. How many books have been written about Bladder Taming in Pregnancy and even if they were would the reader feel a failure and not tell her friends that she was still getting up for her bladder because they might think she was not in control? …” for more click here to read

I can really see the Bladder Taming going down well…I mean how many times would the poor husband get woken up as one stumbles to the bathroom. How many hours do we get robbed of sleep.
It brings back the days when our bathroom was outside and I was 8 months pregnant…I really didn’t want to go…oh man that damp grass the cold wind and yes sometimes the rain…but I had the company of my cat every time and the candle was quite lovely in the night.

But I suppose when its not apart of you and you don’t “feel” the pain then it can be ignored. People can say it’s for their own good and they need to learn how to self soothe and turn over and go back to sleep.
But if its morning sickness (all day sickness) or needing to pee they hey you’ve got to go….is it a different story?

If the baby is crying answer the call as the consequence’s of not answering are just like not answering the Nature Calls…you may not have troubles now but you will have later on in life.

History, genetics and treatment of children August 23, 2008

Posted by Megan in Attachment parenting and other styles, Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Human Development/Mental Health.
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There have been some great atrocities against human beings at many stages through our history – anyone’s history be it English, German, Spanish, Japanese, and on and on back to cave man times. There is no perfect culture there is no clan with out faults…there is always someone who wants more and will try to get more and in doing so could shape another persons life with their endeavors.

But this does not give us (the modern adult human) the right to treat others with disrespect and it also does not mean that we can ignore history and its teachings.

“…In every child born there are a multitude of seeds all waiting to be nurtured and watered eventually sprouting roots and emerging from their fertile soil. If we nurture the seeds of love, faith, non-violence, compassion and honesty, these attributes will grow strong and in abundance however, if the seeds of hate, jealously, intolerance, violence, fear and envy are watered they too will bear fruit.

As parents we are responsible for developing a child’s view of the world around them. The view we create for them, will likely follow them through the course of their lifetime. We can help them to develop a view of a world of possibilities, abundance and magnificent and we can also create a view of an antagonistic world where fear, unhappiness and anger predominate….“

After world war II there was some thought into the idea that their could be a cultural tendency to cruelty. But if we look at what might of taken place to that country of peoples in the years or even decades running up to these wars we can piece together possibly an understanding.

See this post for a look in to history

“…take a historical look at the role of pre-war German pedagogy, ethics, and religion in training people to distrust messages from their bodily feelings and emotions*(see note), thereby training them to distrust their internal sense of authority. People who can’t trust their own body knowledge feel out of touch, have less tolerance for ambiguity, seek clear-cut simple rules to determine their actions, tend to consider complex situations in simplistic terms, and are thus more likely to be swayed by pronouncements made by “experts” and by naive either/or arguments. The slogan “You’re either with us or against us,” for example, could seem reasonable only to a populace for which reason has become severed from an intact empathic system–to people who had thus been primed to see Jews, communists, and homosexuals as “the enemy.” In short, to the extent that a society venerates the ultimate authority of disembodied rationality, it fosters a citizenry that is out of touch with its psychosomatic knowledge base and is therefore vulnerable to political manipulation…. For more of this article (I may not agree with everything someone else says)

History also plays a great part in our own gene’s we can plot back through time a predisposition to certain medical aliments like cancer, diabetes so on and so forth which might be in our own family line.

As we can see by the post on the Hippocampus and the stress which happens during times of neglect, abuse and fear there may be a correlation between our gene’s and our treatment as a child to weather or not we have the – for arguments sake – the cancer gene switched on.

If we have the gene and we have the stress then it could be more likely to occur.

So if we can understand where the “poisonous parenting ideals” (as some are calling it the post from above history link) come from and if we can learn as a species that this parenting style is not the best for our developing brain as a human let alone as a whole society or even to the extent as a planet of people….can we not stop?

Stop from following an idea that really does not work.

Who is to say that a child who has been bullied by its parents, manipulated and controlled through various different forms of baby training – be it Babywise or Save our sleep or any of the many manuals we seem to of come to need to make us feel better at what we are doing  ….who is to say that they will not be the next Hitler, the next Columbine the next Bundy the next person on the top of the most wanted list.

But we as parents can shape the future…so lets do it!

*notes I we can also see in the use of baby training manuals that we are “training people to distrust messages from their bodily feelings and emotions” which is what happens when we numb our hearts to our children’s cry’s, questions and “pesterings”. 

Colic and my baby will not sleep June 20, 2008

Posted by Megan in Baby wearing: hows/types/who's, Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Sleep issues: SIDS/Highneeds/Colic.
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“We just don’t know the course of colic” is often the answer by medical professionals and the like, which is NOT what parents want to hear when they have a screaming unsettled child on their hands. Most of the time with a screaming unsettled child we have the combination of unsettled and very tired parents.

So here are some tips and other web sites which might be of help

 

1.       Babywearing (at least 2 weeks to see any difference) the best hold would be to use a wrap and put the baby on your front. These instructions are from Ella Roo.

Suggestion of a baby carry

      There is a theory that children with colic are very gassy and need to get burps out so if we hold them in a way that will help with this we should get some relief. How long do you carry the baby for? Well maybe the question is how much do you want your child to settle without the use of any medical treatments? Many Mothers will carry their children all day while doing chores and racing round after older children in the family.

 

2.       Diet change. This is a hard one for many Mothers and there will often be a LOT of frustration as there are a LOT of different suggestions. Remember that everyone is different and different things will affect different people.

If you’re a breastfeeding Mother you will need to stick to your elimination diet for at least 2 weeks to notice any change….and it may not just be one thing which is setting your child off. You may also find that you might start to feel better within yourself once you have changed your diet too.

o    Ask Dr Sears site has Colic-causing foods in Breastfeeding page with a list of foods

o    Baby Matters book and web site  has a good list of foods to think about also a large amount of research into the affects of Cows Milk.

Some foods to try taking out of your diet to start with are

Cheese – Corn -  Cow’s Milk – Egg – Peanut – Shellfish – Soy – Strawberry – Tomato – Wheat

 

3.       Sleep time…sigh

So after your baby has been sleeping in its wrap all snug and close to Mum/Mom it’s time for Mum/Mom to have some sleep too.

o    A bed that is moving like a hammock is often a good idea (The Amby Baby site has a good one which lasts until your child is 18kg).

o    Try co-sleeping with your baby (see Dr J Mckenna from The University of Notre Dame Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Lab on how to do this safely) as well as Dr Sears

You may find that because of the diet change and the babywearing and the sleeping within arms reach that your baby will start to settle into a better nighttime pattern.

o    Read up on what is realistic for your child’s age and how long they are able to sleep. Realise that infants are not supposed to sleep through the night and they will need comfort from their parents….many times. Learn about a baby’s sleep cycle and understand that it is normal and healthy for them to wake.

 

4.       Dealing with the crying.

This is very hard for many people as often we have leftover issues from our own childhood of being shushed or told to harden up or its not so bad.

o    A  good article on dealing with crying is written by Dr. Aletha Solter “…Although it is stressful for babies to cry alone, there is no evidence that crying in a parent’s arms is harmful, once all immediate needs are met. On the contrary, crying in arms can be beneficial for babies who have an accumulation of stress….” while this to start with might be hard, but once you become more confident and know that you have done everything from change a nappy, to feed, to check to make sure there are no “hurts” then to loving comfort words, patting and rocking we can let our baby “tell us all about it”. One of the keys is to learn how to relax (hard yes while someone you love is crying).

o    Coping with Colic the Ask Dr Sears

o    Try using a Swiss ball/Yoga ball while baby is snuggled into your shoulder in the upright position very gently bounce.

 

o    PLEASE NOTE that if crying is prolonged to seek help.

These are all just ideas that you might like to try these ideas have helped many others but may not be right for you…keep looking and if you find more information which you think should be here please leave a comment.

 

5.       Get help

It is hard dealing with a crying child. It is tiring and trying. Ask a family member to give you a few days break, church members, friends, neighbors

If you feel that you are in danger of hurting your child or about to snap….PLEASE call for help!

You yourself might just need to sit down and cry as well.

 

 

Some other Web sites and Blogs with other links and suggestions

Crying over spilt milk

Safe Baby

 


Remember that this is your child that is crying but it is not your fault, babies do need their parents love and support of kind words and gentle arms.

This is not a time to “just put them down and let them get over it” and keep in mind…that this too shall pass (often within 3-6 months).

 

Would Letting them Cry Solve the Problems? May 17, 2008

Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Myths: Sleep through the Night/Self Soothing.
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 “…If a day or two of letting a child cry to sleep would solve all problems, there is no way that the previously quoted percentages would be so high (they are in the book on the other page). In addition, if those who tried it found immediate, simple success, it would be impossible for word not to spread quickly around the world. The truth is that even though cry-it-out advocates try to tell you that it’s a quick fix, it often takes weeks or even months of very intense crying (and very little sleeping) for a child to finally succumb and start sleeping better, only to relapse after teething, illness, vacations, schedule changes, and growth spurts. So to imply that “a few nights of crying” would solve everything is naive and unrealistic….’

 

This is from one of my new books…Elizabeth Pantley. I’ve been getting new books in the subject of parenting for over a year now. Dave and I were just discussing how far we have come and how educated we are now to what we were before.

 

We don’t need this book as Ara is sleeping just fine but I’ve become a bit of a “sleep helper” and in my search for help/ideas it seems that information has become very slim as children become older…so the book the “No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers” is just great.

 

As I have found through my looking over the past year not only does this idea of crying (no matter what type) to sleep it;

1.       Does not seem to last and

2.       Does not seem to be very good developmentally for a human child

3.       Seems to have lasting affects to adulthood (even though some people may not see it as a problem cause they are so wrapped up within themselves – lack of empathy, or they do not realize that the problems they are having stem from childhood)

Save Our Sleep by Tizzie Hall or Tizzy Hall Book Review May 6, 2008

Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, Not good books.
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When looking over some of the other reviews of the book “Save Our Sleep” words like no nonsense, easy to follow and schedules are used but there is a big lack in some key words like:

  • Pediatric advice
  • Medical information
  • Sleep research
  • Human brain development
  • Human behaviour
  • World Health guidelines
  • SIDS research
  • Attachment research

Tizzie Hall has written this book like many other authors who have written baby help books without actually having the benefit of having her own baby….

click to read more.

This is one of the five top most viewed posts on my other site

The Damage of Cry it out and Controlled Crying April 28, 2008

Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry.
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My interpretation of when people ask “what is the damage of cry it out?” is that they are wanting a scientific one stop answer which is what we would get if we were dealing with something like gravity that is a yes or no answer.
If I drop this apple will it will fall to the ground? Yes.

When we really can not get that single answer when dealing with humans – variation, anomalies and just being plain different .
What we are looking at is statistics, history and common out comes.
Many articles I’ve been reading are authored by people who feel that there is no damage done to babies by using the cry it out/extinction method.
But I believe they are not looking at the adult product.
By that I mean – How does an adult that has had the extinction or cry it out method used on them in their baby hood function as an adult.
These authors I feel are short sited possibly because the outcome is what we (the authors and the general population) want to see. The extinction method does seem to work (for some) which is probably why it was so heavily used (pushed by originations like Plunket and even shortsighted doctors) in the 30’s 40’s 50’s and 60’s.
But this it where science and behavioral science is starting to come in now (well it was back then too but the net was not around then to share its information) and also statistics, research into the human brain as well as the many health issues we (mostly) western peoples seem to be suffering from…obesity, depression, anxiety, panic, fear, anger, frustration, self worth, communication problems…these issues are growing causing more problems for not just the adult but many others around this adult.

Look at a few short bits from
Jan Hunt Naomi Aldort (just because we’ve forced them to sleep does not mean they have really learnt to sleep well)
Something I’ve learnt from Jan Naomi and Pam Leo is if you fill a child’s need now they will not have that burning need for life. Like that friend of yours that is looking for a life partner but can never find the right one – its all part of it.
But that is looking at the Adult and the dysfunctional problems that they have…what about the child?

“…As the unconnected child gets older, much of his time is spent in misbehavior, and he is on the receiving end of constant reprimands; or he tunes out and seems to live in his own separate world. This child becomes known as sullen, a brat, a whiner, or a spoiled kid. These undesirable behaviors are really coping strategies the child uses in search of a connection. The unconnected child doesn’t know how to regain a sense of well-being because he has no yardstick to measure attachment. He has difficulty finding a connection because he isn’t sure what he lost…” for the full article see this link

Miss behavior is often thought by many as just a part of childhood or the parents say they have got a problem child…there are many more issues to be named in here.
While I do believe that there are some kids who are genuinely hyped up or have a little silver streak in them I do not believe that the numbers we are seeing today are all due to genetics and misfiring body chemicals.

Please see my post on Emotional Disturbance to explain my ideas in this area.
So while there may not be a firm yes or a firm no in the question does cry it out/extinction or controlled crying do damage to your child there are MANY MANY well educated people and organizations who have been finding links to the way we treat children will be the way they perform for us as parents and the way they perform with others for the rest of their life as adults.

Attachment Parenting and Controlled Crying April 28, 2008

Posted by Megan in Attachment parenting and other styles, Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry.
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These words I would of thought I wouldn’t of really seen together…but I am…the question is being asked quite a lot.

I’ve just spent an hour with Ara “Parenting her off to sleep”…why did I spend an hour?
Believe me I was really frustrated and a little peeved.
I spent an hour because I believe that children who are not comfortable to go to sleep alone should not. I believe in the research into child attachment, child brain development and the development of many disorders which come from raising children the way our society does.

I believe that children will sleep on their own in their own time with out the need for a parent to hold them, sit with them or touch them. Hey I have…and my Dad has and so on.

Some aspects of Attachment Parenting are really hard. We have our culture which puts pressure on us. We have our jobs, our partners, our dreams that we want to be with.
But while I also have thoughts pulls as well, one of my dreams was to have children and a happy family…this is what I keep in mind when I’m about to loose the plot (or sadly after I loose the plot).
While it seems endless and you feel like your life is getting eaten up some days…thoughts days are going fast – really fast. And as the saying goes “You can always play tennis later”

So when I got to the point of wanting to let Ara cry…I would think ‘why’ to myself.
Why – well so I could have time to myself.
But would I really be having time to myself listening to her cry? I’ve listening to many friends who do CC or CIO (and read research) and it doesn’t stop – you might have a few days or maybe weeks where they might go to sleep but there is soon another ‘issue’ which starts it all up again…teeth, change in routine, fright at daycare/kindergarten/playcentre, a parent is away, the dog died, its stormy weather….and on. I think to myself I would much rather spend 15mins…to an unusual hour parenting to sleep than loose my child’s trust in me and me loosing my attachment to my child my ability to listen and “get behind her eyes” this also makes discipline harder too once I would of lost these things…I’d need to use fear or physical force.

I would recommend reading a few other books…the Sears are great but after a while they do seem a bit out of reach or unreal…but reading more helped me understand that they really are the middle of the road. They do have some good help ideas in their “sleep book” but also look at the “no cry sleep solution” (the video down on the right) as well as “raising our children raising our selves“.  Think about burnout too which is also talked about in the fussy baby book by the sears.

Where is the Empathy and Compassion? April 26, 2008

Posted by Megan in Attachment parenting and other styles, Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures.
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We’ve just had other violent killing of a young man. He was basically beaten to death at his school while being videoed by on lookers. He died in his parents garage from his injuries.

This is from the Sears book Successful Child
TEACHING EMPATHY AND COMPASSION
· Respond to your child’s cries with loving attention.
· Read your child’s cues and respond to them appropriately.
· Respond according to your child’s unique personality and temperament.
· Understand that children learn life skills through play.
· Point out to your child how others’ experiences are similar to his.
· Model caring behavior.
· Encourage children to think about how others are feeling.
· Help children become aware of other people in the course of their everyday lives.
· Teach your child that it’s okay – even commendable – to do something appropriate about an unfair situation.
· Correct your child’s mistakes and poor judgments with courtesy and kindness.
· Respond to your child’s emotions with empathy and sensitivity.
· Discourage judgments based solely on a persons appearance.
· Normalize differences by pointing out how all people are alike in many ways.
· Incorporate cultural diversity in your everyday life.
· Teach children about world social issues.
· Involve the whole family – particularly the children – in volunteer efforts.

Are people going to learn these traits while they are employed? Sadly I would say most of us by the time we reach the work force are pretty well entrenched in our ways.
Are we going to learn these qualities while at school? Not with classes numbering up to 35 children the poor teacher has enough on his or her plate. And its not the teachers job anyway.
Are we going to learn these human needs while at Daycare? As many daycare works say “they are just damage control and hardly get enough time to develop a bond with any one child.

Empathy and compassion is taught by the very people who are the primary caregivers.
I see in this country originations like Plunket are teaching us to ignore our children’s cry’s, ignore behavior which is disruptive and annoying (in the hope that it will go away) when this is the only way our children can get us to notice them and give them guidance, love and the attention that they need to develop well.

As Bec’s from running with scizzors was saying the other day….we are becoming dulled with violence.
We have no ground marks to work from with our baby needs not being meet and not being taught about empathy and compassion.

Maybe it there were a few children who had been raised by people who understand how children develop this poor young man would not of died and someone in the crowd would of done something.