Parenting Baby to Sleep

Tony Hawks the writer of “Round Ireland with a Fridge” has put in words what often makes parents stumble over without thinking.

“…But I was suffering from the English disease of not wanting to make a scene. Like people most English people I fall into the category of those who will suffer a third-rate meal at a restaurant with sloppy service, and then, when faced with the waiter’s question   ‘Is everything okay, sir?’ will simply say ‘Yes, fine thanks’. Better that way than making a scene. The last thing you want to do is make a scene….”

I’m not sure if it’s just the English that suffer from this disease or that many of us have English backgrounds and upbringings which infect us with this way of thinking.

This English Disease is tied up with emotions often embarrassment and feelings often expressing a dislike for something. These are not nice qualities which people like to hear or feel let alone share with others….But they are an important part of life and as parents who are guiding our children towards a healthy lifestyle we need to get over our ‘English Diseases’.

This problem we have with the ‘disease’ is all about communication (or lack of it if we are not doing it) learning and teaching our children how to communicate well. As parents we need to be able to listen to the complaints or the issues that our children have and be the mature adult and help sort them out…not ignore them or shy away from ‘making a scene’.

We don’t want our children to ‘Suck it in’ or ‘put on a brave face’ (though there are some times we do need that brave face) but it is not to teach them that emotions are unimportant, as bottling these up we know can cause long term illness or mental problems.

We also do not want our children to give up. Creating a scene is often the way of getting better service. We as parents may need to look at ourselves when our children are having a tantrum and need to think…”what kind of ’service’ am I giving my child”? Do they have respect? Do they have quality parent child time? Do we as parents listen to what our child says…the first time round…rather than when they are on the floor screaming at us?

This is a lifelong skill that children need to learn how to express to get the best out of life. Like Barrack Obama who is skilled at using words, … which in my interpretation is often telling the people of his country along the lines of ‘it’s time to pull up your socks…to stop behaving like a child…and clean your country up’ but said in such a way that inspires people and makes them feel proud and want to do a good job.

This skill is learnt in the home and is not about hurting people’s feelings but telling them what you want and what you expect.

I have personal two examples

1 . “Nanma that’s my job” Ara tells my Mother as Mum is unloading the dishwasher…”That’s my job”….”LEAVE IT ALONE”….”STOP it’s my JOB” tears now as I finally make it down to the kitchen to ask my mother to listen. Mum was in her own world and just wanted to get the job done not thinking that Ara might be able to do the job…but even if she can’t at least letting her give it a go.

2.  After a long holiday with few children around and Ara finally finds some children to play with at the beach…after a while we have to leave. This was a full on tantrum which I probably didn’t handle all that well… I’ll put in the excuses of heat, pregnant, carrying a full bag with beach blow up toys and a screaming toddler on my own.

I can see that I should of spent more time sitting with her to get through this tantrum rather than suffering from the ‘disease’ and just putting her in the car and driving home.

BUT also thinking of Ara over these really long holidays and how lonely she is and how many changes she has had to go through (not seeing her friends, having a pregnant Mumma and little contact with Dadda) and how much of a release she needs with other people.

As I often do I will link this back to trends of sleep training. A child ‘crying out’ is being ignored…we are teaching them not to make a scene…we are teaching them to block their emotions, we are teaching them not to communicate with others well using the right words, we are teaching them not to ask for the best, and we are teaching them not to ask for help.

We are passing on the English Disease.