SIDS and safe t sleep – cruelty out of love? March 7, 2009
Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, Marketing: Formula/Baby Apparel, Sleep issues: SIDS.add a comment
In writing this post I need you to visit the Safe T Sleep web site to see the photos for readers who do not know what this product is.
Often in other posts I have liked the correlation that Keith Sawyer (page 16 of PDF for photo) likened wrapping to the strapping down of patients be it hospital or institute.
Both web sites really need to be seen for the photos before you can understand what my view points are.
So the scoop is that SIDS NZ and Safe T Sleep® Partnership Announced
I have three issues with this ’scoop’
- SIDS NZ aligning themselves with marketing buying a product and the idea that something needs to be brought to keep children safe rather than parenting.
- If we follow SIDS guidelines from round the world and sleep with our babies with in arms reach i.e. a co-sleeper cot, the basinet…for goodness sake a banana box….the SIDS rates drop dramatically. Look at other co-sleeping countries like Sweden, Japan, Hong Kong.
- With this product I can see children being strapped down crying no matter what age…a tool to hold a child down.
My question is how often when it comes to our children do we do something out of love when in fact if we really look at the situation is quite cruel.
Yes this product might keep a child safe on its back and might ease a parents mind but what are we really allowing our selves by using this product to do to our children?
Young infants are often wrapped as we believe that they like the tight sensation. Often as parents who are frustrated with their children not keeping still, they will use this wrap as a way to keep their children in one place. I have written about wrapping before in this post wrapping baby to sleep
So is this Safe t sleep just another way to keep our children in place.
My personal thought is ‘wow even worse crying my self to sleep and not being able to move…new born to the ripe old age of 3′….3 years old now that is cruel. …what about toileting, what about needing to lay in a different position, what about bed sores….and I’m sure there are many other mental problems on top of the physical gained by using this ‘product’.
Is becoming a parent putting a strain on our marriages? February 8, 2009
Posted by Megan in Balance: Time/Stress/Depression, Birth, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures.add a comment
In many new families there seems to be a constant ‘fight’ for ‘the right’.
The right to feel equal
The right to feel rested
The right to have acknowledgement of work done in childcare
And a fight for some time to just be the person you were before a baby came into your life.
This fight will cause stress between the parents which children and infants can pick up on, causing them to feel insecure producing a clinging child or a rejecting of the parent/caregiver. Both of which can then put even more pressure on the parenting couple.
The parent may often feel confusion (which may be so deep down they do not know/understand the source of it) of inner conflict, the biological inbuilt need to work and comfort their child to fill their needs which will in turn also (unknowing for many) fill the parents own biological need.
But the pull to feel success or importance comes from our history and the degradation of parenting. Being ’skilled’, ‘educated’, ‘having a job’ and that goal of ’success’ is often what people feel is their need rather than parenting….as we can see in the below quotes parenting historically has become unimportant.
These quotes have been taken from the book “Immaculate Deception II” by Suzanne Arms
“….In virtually all cultures dominated by institutionalized religion, women are still viewed as objects to be controlled, with their natural tendencies toward impulsivity, self-indulgence, and sinfulness. Christianity, combined with Western medicine and technology, has warped the concept of childbirth. Is it any wonder that as birth was pushed out of the home and into the hospital that it became synonymous with pain, suffering, and powerlessness? Now modern women want to escape from the experiences of labor, breastfeeding, and child care….”
“…Scholars continue to debate why the natural balance between male and female powers was disrupted. Few deny religion’s numerous positive contributions to human civilization; however, religions have also institutionalized sexism and disempowered women, leading them to mistrust both themselves and the natural processes of birth, life, and death that flow through their bodies. Wherever women are not in control of their own lives, the effects will be felt by their children. When women are pathologically afraid of birth, view breastfeeding as an unnecessary inconvenience, and think of caring for young children as a curse, they will naturally want to distance themselves from these biological processes.
Society teaches that motherhood means giving up essential and innate needs, yet really the mother-baby unit is a symbiotic one, where each fulfills certain needs of the other. Child abuse and neglect, whether perpetrated by men or women, results from the devaluing and splitting of the mother-baby dyad and from the attitude that considers children the possessions of parents and women the possessions of men….”
As modern mothers we do often feel that we have to give up so much of what we have worked for…some of us might of left jobs that rival our partners in money or status.
This is often where parents split into two different paths
- Some parents may go down the path of wanting to gain some of that status ‘back’ and these parents often see that to do this they need to take time from their children (they – the child – should become more independent is often the catch phrase)
“…Today, when the needs of babies come in conflict with the needs and desires of their parents, people say “babies are flexible,” and “babies learn best when they are in day care.” Babies are expected to yield, or at least meet their parents halfway. Our culture supports all of this by making it difficult for women and men to stay at home when their babies are young, and by making it virtually impossible for any parent-male or female-to bring a baby to the workplace. Who suffers from all of this? We do – so do our children and so does society….”
In a way its like the modern parent is escaping from their own children to regaining their ‘right’. This might take 6 months a year (or less) before a parenting couple can find their ‘acceptable levels’ of ‘right’. (Some parenting couples may not make this and separate).
In this time we may often find children affected by their parent decisions
- Possibly being moved onto bottle feeding because of perceived ‘Insufficient milk‘ which in many cases is because of little support, little understanding of baby’s needs, lack of education of what a body can do (see World Health Organization for optimal feeding recommendations), miss information from an era of bottle-feeding schedules (which is still spurred on today by marketing but is slowly now being dismissed as studies on these schedules are realized and show us it is unhealthy as well as mentally and developmentally damaging.)
- Possibly moved into daycare as some parents need to separate themselves from their child’s needs/demands. (we as humans are not suppose to parent alone and its hard work)
- Possibly moved into a strict schedule like what might have been used in the 1930’s or 40’s (which most books written today still follow) Some sort of ‘cry it out’ might be used to gain some separation from the child.
- Some parents going down another path though may still take the 6 months or year (or less) to find their feet. In these families we may see
- A learning that support of each other is very important especially in the ways of natural/normal birth, so as to start off well.
- An understanding that breastfeeding is the best mentally as well as developmentally for a child and to have partner support to keep breastfeeding.
- Realise that children will need their parents/caregivers, to form a secure attachment as well as education from the ages of 0-4 (and more)…so this means many years of continuous care…a change of jobs so to speak.
- For parents to become educated in the ways of health, body care and mind care of themselves as well as their growing children.
How do we find our ‘right’?
Sadly at this time 2000’s we do not have our “Professional Status” and recognition through out our society. So we will need to rely on each other, partner, family and friends to give us that Status.
Also through education on children’s needs and the history of birth/infants/children and health will we find a calming and understanding to why we may feel our pull towards certain desires.
Mostly it comes down to support from people we love and people who love us.
What affect does War and Violence have on our ability to parent? January 28, 2009
Posted by Megan in Beware the Baby Trainers, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Human Development/Mental Health.add a comment
In starting this post I know this area of thought is huge, well studied and well documented.
My own Mother has spent years in this area teaching many people about this subject from the police, victim support, mental health personal…the list goes on.
My own Father has also helped to pick up the pieces of other people’s lives who try to dull down what has happened to them with drugs and alcohol or their own expression of violence against others.
But for my own views in this post I want to look at War, and mostly the larger wars that have affected many people and their families. If we visit any of the War memorial museums we can see the hundreds of stories from both the people at the front but also thoughts left at home.
The peoples at the front who have seen unimaginable horrors who have had to move through their lives at the time, the best that they can would/will often involve blocking out emotions. With dulled emotions, with minds that have seen what they have seen, often these people have placed themselves out of their lives – to become distant and unfeeling – so that they can live.
The peoples at home are often forgotten and that they also had to have a part of this emotional blocking. Whole families were lost with the Mother, the Wife or the Sisters left wondering if their loved ones where ok…minds making pictures which might or might not be true.
Families living in environments which could have been in the middle of these Wars. Houses gone, lives gone…everything. The stress the hunger and the confusion of what will happen next as well as the confusion of weather their loved ones would come home.
Most of us do not have to deal with this kind of War today though we do still have Wars and we do still have problems with our emotions. Often when people come home from War they are unable to switch on their emotions or what they have seen is so bad that nothing else they see or hear can equate to what they have been through.
What seems to happen many times is that families do not know how to be families they just go through the motions of survival with a dullness of caring or an unsureness of what to do when something really does happen.
How does this affect us today? Why do I want to talk about this horrible time in many of our families lives which we have been trying to leave in the past?
It is true the time for many of these Wars have past and the time that it is affecting us has gone….right?
For many of us it might have been our Grandparents who were in the War – for some – as now days we are more generations removed it might have been our Great Grandparent. But there are also Wars today as well
How does that affect us now?
Most of us listen to our Parents and often our Grandparents advice especially when it comes to an unknown subject or new venture like raising children.
As I often do in this blog is link back to the emotional health, style and methods we use to raise our children, treat our children…or train our children to sleep.
Much of the information we are using today in the forms of “Baby manuals” comes from a time where emotions were not ‘in use’ so to say. The books that a written today can and often will be written by people who have been raised by parents from the war times.
People living through the war had to block their hearts off to any feelings which often meant their own children’s suffering. Possibly not suffering as in physical injury but emotional injury….they in turn past this on to our parents (for some their grandparents) who in turn past it on…..
The idea of “It didn’t kill me” is termed and the idea of emotional harm is puzzling to many…as they themselves have actually suffered from emotional harm.
Today we do not live in that type of life.
Today we know what emotional harm can do to a person.
Today we can move on and learn a new way of treating the people we love with love…it’s ok to show that we care and it is ok to give a child (or anyone we are close to) who is in need to give them their need, so as to grow up and move on emotionally strong. We do not need to switch off our caring heart as our child goes to sleep and if they cry for us we have moved on enough in time and education to know that going holding and comforting that child, it will be better than leaving that child to its own demons.
Do parents sometimes suffer from “The English Disease” January 26, 2009
Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures.add a comment
Tony Hawks the writer of “Round Ireland with a Fridge” has put in words what often makes parents stumble over without thinking.
“…But I was suffering from the English disease of not wanting to make a scene. Like people most English people I fall into the category of those who will suffer a third-rate meal at a restaurant with sloppy service, and then, when faced with the waiter’s question ‘Is everything okay, sir?’ will simply say ‘Yes, fine thanks’. Better that way than making a scene. The last thing you want to do is make a scene….”
I’m not sure if it’s just the English that suffer from this disease or that many of us have English backgrounds and upbringings which infect us with this way of thinking.
This English Disease is tied up with emotions often embarrassment and feelings often expressing a dislike for something. These are not nice qualities which people like to hear or feel let alone share with others….But they are an important part of life and as parents who are guiding our children towards a healthy lifestyle we need to get over our ‘English Diseases’.
This problem we have with the ‘disease’ is all about communication (or lack of it if we are not doing it) learning and teaching our children how to communicate well. As parents we need to be able to listen to the complaints or the issues that our children have and be the mature adult and help sort them out…not ignore them or shy away from ‘making a scene’.
We don’t want our children to ‘Suck it in’ or ‘put on a brave face’ (though there are some times we do need that brave face) but it is not to teach them that emotions are unimportant, as bottling these up we know can cause long term illness or mental problems.
We also do not want our children to give up. Creating a scene is often the way of getting better service. We as parents may need to look at ourselves when our children are having a tantrum and need to think…”what kind of ’service’ am I giving my child”? Do they have respect? Do they have quality parent child time? Do we as parents listen to what our child says…the first time round…rather than when they are on the floor screaming at us?
This is a lifelong skill that children need to learn how to express to get the best out of life. Like Barrack Obama who is skilled at using words, … which in my interpretation is often telling the people of his country along the lines of ‘it’s time to pull up your socks…to stop behaving like a child…and clean your country up’ but said in such a way that inspires people and makes them feel proud and want to do a good job.
This skill is learnt in the home and is not about hurting people’s feelings but telling them what you want and what you expect.
I have personal two examples
1 . “Nanma that’s my job” Ara tells my Mother as Mum is unloading the dishwasher…”That’s my job”….”LEAVE IT ALONE”….”STOP it’s my JOB” tears now as I finally make it down to the kitchen to ask my mother to listen. Mum was in her own world and just wanted to get the job done not thinking that Ara might be able to do the job…but even if she can’t at least letting her give it a go.
2. After a long holiday with few children around and Ara finally finds some children to play with at the beach…after a while we have to leave. This was a full on tantrum which I probably didn’t handle all that well… I’ll put in the excuses of heat, pregnant, carrying a full bag with beach blow up toys and a screaming toddler on my own.
I can see that I should of spent more time sitting with her to get through this tantrum rather than suffering from the ‘disease’ and just putting her in the car and driving home.
BUT also thinking of Ara over these really long holidays and how lonely she is and how many changes she has had to go through (not seeing her friends, having a pregnant Mumma and little contact with Dadda) and how much of a release she needs with other people.
As I often do I will link this back to trends of sleep training. A child ‘crying out’ is being ignored…we are teaching them not to make a scene…we are teaching them to block their emotions, we are teaching them not to communicate with others well using the right words, we are teaching them not to ask for the best, and we are teaching them not to ask for help.
We are passing on the English Disease.
Babies “cry it out” over the use of unsustainable parenting methods December 2, 2008
Posted by Megan in Uncategorized.4 comments
Sustainability is the word of the moment, along with that other word I have grown to hate hearing ‘Un-precedent’. So to use these two in combination we in our current situation of the world today have ‘Un-precedent Un-sustainability’. Our resources are diminishing we are imploding in a pone ourselves as a species. In the past 100 to 200 or so years this craze of selfishness has excelled beyond most of our comprehensions.
I would bring up a thought that someone had, who is very pro-cry it out… “all I have to say, is that, do you know that that our generation is one of the most self-absorbed, narcissistic, selfish generations that has ever been? I doubt that that’s because we were neglected/controlled/forced (whatever you want to call it) so often throughout infancy and childhood.“
Many of you like husband and myself might nod in agreement in part of what this person has said but stumble over the “I doubt” part…re-read then shake your head and smile at how the commenter has missed why children are they way they are. These ‘qualities’ within ourselves are one of the main keys to what has been our demise as humans the past few generations.
AND it is these ‘qualities’ that are some of the reasons why parents like myself parent the way we do. Because they are sick of how the ‘rest’ of the world is…selfish, greedy, self centered, non-committing, un-empathetic, narcissistic…and often just downright rude and mean.
Many people in our world today wonder why we have got into such a situation. Why are there children killing children, why is there such violence in our lives, why do so many not seem to care how much they use and consume. Why is our emotional intelligence so low which lowers our ability to work together, think about each other’s feelings and work together as a team….thus comes the uncaring about our world and the resources.
Many of us have wondered and many of us have looked at ourselves and others around us…and some of us have decided that it is ‘us’ that is the problem and we need to teach our children in a different way. Our different way is teaching from the beginning good habits, caring habits and thoughtful habits often called Attachment Parenting.
Children are true mirrors of the people who care for them. This mirroring starts at a very early age which is why so much research has been done on the 0-3 age and has been deemed so important. If we look at the brain development of an infant (Graph put together from information from the Brain Wave trust and Wisconsin Council on Children and Families)
We can see Emotional Development and Social Attachment Skills are developed and honed from the day we are born. These pathways in the brain which can be linked by positive occurrences in an infant’s life making strong synapse links (Postnatal brain development takes place from the bottom up. The brain stem and midbrain which monitor the involuntary functions are the first to develop, as they are crucial for the survival. The last parts to eventually develop are the limbic system which controls the emotions and then the cerebral cortex, which is the organ of cognitive controls….more) (Nature, Nurture and Early Brain Development) with healthy responsive parenting. Or they can be eroded or not even made by neglect or unresponsive parenting; this can lead to an infant growing into an adult who has low emotional intelligence. Some links to my other posts Babies and Children forced into independence , and my other posts which might contain empathy
These parts of our brain are set up for life and yes while our brain can change and develop with help it is not until later that the adult may realize that there is something wrong or a miss and starting out ‘right’ is much much easier.
The parenting style which used ‘Cry it out’ as a ‘tool’ or technique to ‘teach’ an infant to sleep is missing out on some of the most fundamental aspects of human biology and brain development.
This parenting style shuts off the interaction needed for the ‘good’ development of these areas as well as setting themselves up for a life of un-empathetic communication with their children. As how do you once you’ve started down the road of the blocking out of human cries of fear do you after a few years change to listening (and the stage of development which is important for that listening is past in the infants development).
Empathy is one of our keys to unlocking or slowly removing our issues of Un-precedent Un-sustainability. Empathy and Education.
We have changed from the days of living cave man style – which some might be saddened over that loss of community collectiveness and attunement – to living as they say ‘life in the fast lane’.
Today we live alone or in very small family units some unknowing even where the milk comes from before it got in the carton let alone what it takes to put it there.
Living this modern singular life of as little emotional and environmental interaction as possible leads us as human infant to grow up as distant unthinking and uncaring adults.
Which is why we as parents are the leaders – the protectors – of our environment as we teach our children empathy and knowledge which is learnt and remembered from the day we are born.
Some good reading:
· Sears “The Successful Child” a good quote from this book is “Your success in life, (Jim and Bob,) will not be measured by the money you make of the degrees you earn, but rather by the number of persons whose lives are better because of what you did.”
· Meredith F. Small “Our Babies, Ourselves – How biology and culture shape the way we parent” to read an interview about our brain size and developoment.
· Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell’s book “Parenting from the Inside Out” - also to read one of my posts on the different types of attachment
Where do you learn empathy but from your parents showing you empathy. If you feel that letting your infant scream itself to sleep is ok cause they are too young to know any better (which many intelligent researchers will tell you that this is NOT true) what about the people around you who hear it; your older children, your partner, your friends and their children – where are you showing that you care? How do you think the excuses of “but he/she needs to learn how to sleep on their own” goes down…really? Truly a child is crying…that child needs attention.
Jamie Oliver and understanding reluctance to change October 27, 2008
Posted by Megan in History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Marketing: Formula/Baby Apparel.add a comment
We have just watching an episode of Jamie Oliver’s Ministry of Food. He’s trying to educate people in how to cook. Its very noble and I think he’s wonderful but it does not seem to be working and I’m sad for him cause I know he’s trying to make a change…and a good one at that.
The people he is trying to educate…people who live off of take-a-ways, prepackaged meals and opening a packet of chips…do not seem to understand the reasons why they should change their eating habits and learn how to cook.
Poor Jamie seems to be talking until he’s blue in the face about the health reasons, the social reasons and even the growth and developmental reasons…and his class of student are lapping it all up and agree….BUT!!! It does not seem to be a lasting interest or lasting change.
For someone who has eaten and done something in one way for such a long time – life…how can it be wrong? People can not ’see’ (often because the lack of looking) the issues that they do have with eating bad food. Many of us especially the people who have been chosen for this show have become very accepting. We do not question what is in our food any more…our choices have been taken away on how much we consume of certain parts of food like fat and salt because its already in there…our choices on what is actually in our food – the hidden wheat, soy, milk products, MSG and other countless additives which we don’t even know about.
Why do we not want to change?
The lack of knowing?
The lack of motivation?
The lack of self care…depressed?
It is very hard to change a habit especially with food…we have loves, we have excuses of the time that it takes the money that it costs. We have the fear of the unknown and the fear of being different from our friends and social community. There is also the fear of knowledge of knowing too much and of learning (yes it might sound strange to some but its there). We have a fear of offending the people we love too as often its our parents who have instilled these eating ways and ideas and also our partners ideas might not be inline with our own.
But what would happen if we did all this…if we worked hard…because its really hard work. What if we found a way to make it happen.
To start off with we would be confused, frustrated and want to go back to what was easiest. We would question everything and find little holes in which to use as an excuses to back out.
WHO LOOSES?
Health is important. Your own health and the health of your family.
Why am I talking about food and Jamie….because this aspect of food just goes to show that our choices may seem like choices…McD’s or BK….but they are not really choices.
We seem to be happy to follow the ‘norm’…because the Doctor said that I should have another c-section because I’ve already had one…but you have to have a scan….because we all stop at 6 months and start on formula…because there is no other way to get them to sleep you just have to let them cry.
Informed decisions are important part of health!
I don’t think I ever left that really annoying phase behind from the toddler stage
ASK WHY!
As with answering a toddler there can be many different replies….the part that really hurts is often the pack of chips still gets pulled out as the best food cause its so quick and easy and the health and choice gets shelved.
Disciplinary measures of old…or still around? October 18, 2008
Posted by Megan in History: Cultural Beliefs and Society Pressures, Human Development/Mental Health.add a comment
“…A patient’s father, who himself had had a very difficult childhood that he never talked about, often treated his son, in whom he kept seeing himself, in an extremely cruel way. Neither he nor his son was conscious of this cruelty; they both regarded it as a “disciplinary measure.” When the son, who had severe symptoms, began his analysis, he was, as he said, “very grateful” to his father for the strict upbringing and “severe punishment” he had received. While in analysis, my patient, who had at one point been studying education at the university, discovered Ekkehard von Braunmühl and his antipedagogical writings and was strongly impressed by them. During this period he went home for a visit and for the first time experienced with great clarity the way his father continually hurt his feelings, either by not listening at all to what he was saying or by ridiculing everything he said. When his son pointed this out to him, the father, who was a professor of education, said in all seriousness: “You ought to thank me for that. You’ll have to put up with people all your life who won’t pay any attention to you or won’t take what you say seriously. This way you’re already used to it, having learned it from me. What you learn when you’re young, you know for the rest of your life.” The twenty-four-year-old son was taken aback by this reply at first. How often he had heard his father make similar statements without ever questioning their validity! This time, however, he became indignant, and on the basis of something he had read in Braunmühl, he said: “If you intend to continue treating me according to these principles, to be consistent you would then actually have to kill me, for someday I will have to die too. That would be the best way you could prepare me for it.” His father accused him of being impertinent and acting as though he knew all the answers, but this was a very decisive experience for the son. From that point on, his studies took an entirely different direction…”
This really struck a cord for me as many parents use this as a ‘reason’ for;
cry it out – learning to fall asleep by them selves
or
not comforting when a child is hurt or asking for help – teaching them independence.
Controlled Parenting…oh um Crying September 16, 2008
Posted by Megan in Belief in Baby’s Crys: Cry It Out/Controlled Cry, Beware the Baby Trainers, Human Development/Mental Health.3 comments
“…Why did these ideas of controlled parenting develop? One imagines mainly to increase the hours of sleep parents wanted or felt they needed. Ask any group of women who are well into the third trimester, ‘How many of you slept through the night last night?’ and you will find that nine out of ten have needed to get up at least once during the night. How many books have been written about Bladder Taming in Pregnancy and even if they were would the reader feel a failure and not tell her friends that she was still getting up for her bladder because they might think she was not in control? …” for more click here to read
I can really see the Bladder Taming going down well…I mean how many times would the poor husband get woken up as one stumbles to the bathroom. How many hours do we get robbed of sleep.
It brings back the days when our bathroom was outside and I was 8 months pregnant…I really didn’t want to go…oh man that damp grass the cold wind and yes sometimes the rain…but I had the company of my cat every time and the candle was quite lovely in the night.
But I suppose when its not apart of you and you don’t “feel” the pain then it can be ignored. People can say it’s for their own good and they need to learn how to self soothe and turn over and go back to sleep.
But if its morning sickness (all day sickness) or needing to pee they hey you’ve got to go….is it a different story?
If the baby is crying answer the call as the consequence’s of not answering are just like not answering the Nature Calls…you may not have troubles now but you will have later on in life.
